Baba Ramdev after years of bending over backwards and sometimes forward and sometimes under and over his legs, has finally made it big. Not that he wasn’t big already, his Yoga laden videos which inspired Shilpa Shetty to come out of the IPL closet(filled with item number outfits and black money) and monetize her flexibility, were already the rave of the country. This mystical marvel composed primarily of facial hair and bones extracted from retired trapeze artists, after spending years professing the minimalist nature of yoga has now decided to splurge on his image and make some malleable moolah. Our man has already released his own brand of noodles because nothing screams traditional Indian values like instant noodles. Although we advice it comes with a statutory warning advising the male consumers on the harmful effects the chowmein you make from it will have on their extremely sensitive libidos. And to add easy plow pose to downward facing dog pose, Mr B has decided to branch out into Yoga wear and health drinks to compete with companies like Nike and Adidas. So we decided to give him some suggestions on products we feel needs some real ‘Indianizing’. So here you go, a hypothetical list of products we want Baba Ramdev to start making!
1. Ayurvedic Condoms
The apparently professed Indian culture of today requires us to be as discreet as possible about copulation and its many variants. Which is why the general variant of the western condom doesn’t sit well with our rather shy members, what with all their obvious pictures and instructions. Which is why we want latex free, organically produced, discreetly packaged condoms. Although you will have to produce a marriage certificate to buy them!
2. Culture Appropriate Hip Hop
Since Baba RD has decided the best way to counter Western corporate’s ravaging of our culture is to go corporate right back at them. We feel, he should do the same with the other devious variants of western influence as well. Nothing says screw you Umrica like Mr B riding an Amby accompanied by some dainty apsaras, smoking some green and spouting some G lines to some heavy taals!
3. Video Games
Sarcasm aside, this is something we really wouldn’t mind BRD venturing into. Nothing makes for good gameplay like the insane hysterics of the Mahabharata. One could opt to play different characters with different missions, there’s so much backstory in the verses to enforce just that! So if you’re listening Mr B, we want the Mahabharata on XBox pronto!
4. Prayer Apps
With everything and anything heading steadfast into the digital era, why not temples and prayers too? Click on your app, do your darshans, say your prayers and while you’re at it spare some change for the gods yo!
5. Culture Appropriate Social Media
Western social media grants its users one too many freedoms. A culture appropriate dive into social media will be the wet dream of Indian parents all over. From making pokes illegal to establishing screening processes for inappropriate selfies and even a steadfast moral policing department! Ah, one can only dream of the possibilities.
6. Yogic Furniture
7. Anti Hair Removal Products
While there are one too many products dedicated to taking off facial hair there are not enough on the market that keep you from removing it. How else can you maintain that Baba swag. So we hope Mr B will concoct some serious potions to apply generously on our faces so we too can look like a pliable caveman!
8. Fast Shudh Food
Fast Food is a very Western concept and shudh food is an entirely Indian one. We want our dear Baba to bridge this gap and start serving up some ‘Fast Shudh Food’. We want heretic themed restaurants popping up all over the country, doused in saffron and with names like, Baba D’s and Mutter King!