Our countries moral standards have been regressing faster than a boner in church over the last year. To add to this pot of orthodox bonhomie our friends at the censor board have decided now to add some culture to the latest James Bond movie by subtracting scenes in which they deem exist ‘unnecessarily long kisses’! Look like the days of boning flowers and tree humping are back. James may bond but he may not bone is what the message of the hour seems to be. So we went ahead and wrote a culture appropriate James Bond movie that is deep rooted in Indian culture and sensibilities. So here you go, the major plot points of the 1st Sanskari James Bond movie – Quantum Of Sanskar. #sanskarijamesbond
Intro Sequence and Song
The classic intro sequence and song of James Bond movies must not be left out in this culture laden action flick. The intro song for Quantum Of Sanskar must be a bhajan sung by Alka Yagnik. The sequence must be drenched in saffron, featuring imagery portraying all the wonderful inventions that our culture has apparently produced much before the Western world did. Airplanes, zeroes, nuclear energy, cars and the art of lying! Also let’s add some Bollywood backgound dancers while we’re at it!
The Bond Girl
The classic bombshell model of Bond girls must be replaced with a respectable, fully clothed, temple going, Brahmin girl who can wield a ‘kadchi’ with skill and take villians down with her incessant tears. As for who should play this character, we vote for Radhe Ma!
Judi Dench who portrays M, the head of the secret service organisation and mentor of James Bond, must be given a Indian makeover. She should be imbibed with all the characteristics of the classic Indian mother. Draped in a saree and weighed down by jewellery, she must force packages of shudh ghee and halwas into Bond’s hands every time he goes out of station. She should also call Bond incessantly asking him to settle down and find a nice girl from a good family! You know what, just switch Judi with Kiron Kherr!
Bond movies are known for the fancy luxurious cars they flaunt. The ‘desified’ version of a Bond movie must therefore contain an equally swag Indian car. We want Bond to ride around in a done up Ambassador. Its special features? It comes adorned with many garlands of nimbu mirchi and it’ll have a Ganesh idol on the dashboard!
Classic Lines And Motifs
Bond movies come armed with many formulaic lines and motifs that have stood the test of time. However to stand the test of the Indian censor board they’ll have to douse these classics in a bucket of ‘Bharat’ lotion. The classic martini line ‘martini shaken not stirred) must be replaced with ‘Lassi sweet not salty’. Bond’s name should come armed with a lot more surnames to stay true to the green, white and saffron. Bond, James Pattabhirama Selvaraja Venkatanarasimha Bond!
Another classic bit from the Bond movies is when bond goes to Q the head of the R&D department to acquire some awesome weaponry. However for our desi Bond movie, Q will be replaced with a pot bellied pujari. Before his missions Bond will head to meet said pujari to receive aashirvaad and do some pujas to make sure all goes well!
What’s a Bond movie without a steamy sex scene? However, to appease our cultural values these scenes must be lent to heavy metaphors. Flowers plonking each other, screws being drilled, dough being knead and every other creative method that can be used without so much as a glimpse at human skin, must be employed.
Bond movies are famous for their omnipotent villains who are all set to destroy the very fabric of society. And as far as Indian cultural values are concerned the villain is the liberal youth, enamored with Western ideas and maligning our culture with horrible expressions like ‘Freedom of Speech’. Bond must seek out and destroy these infidels and put an end to their broad minded views. Maybe this here lanky writer can play the part. Jai Bharat!